Dear Pup Joe,
I got your recent email, and I'm
writing to explain some things that you, as a young dog just starting out in the world, evidently do not
First of all, always remember that
you're dealing with a human. You mentioned that your human seems to
have difficulty doing things at their appropriate times.
This is not unusual among this species.
They are not intelligent beings like we are, and they need constant
reminders to keep them on schedule.
Oh, they think they know when to do
things, but they don't. You see, they have no sense of time at all,
unless they have a clock.
And what, you ask, is a clock? It's a
flat thing with numbers around the edge and two or three long pointy
sticks on it. (No, not sticks for playing fetch!) Humans
generally have one on a wall or on their wrist or on a table.
You may have seen your human looking up
every once in a while at the wall (or wrist, or table). He's
consulting one of these devices. Supposedly, by glancing at them,
humans can tell what time it is, but I have my doubts.
Now, humans can't help this problem.
It's some sort of innate defect in the species. So, as responsible
dogs, we must work hard to keep our humans on schedule.
Your first move, just before any
scheduled event, is to sit or stand next to your human and stare at
him. Just stare stare stare... Did he look over at you?
Yes? Great, you're on the way to
No? Try Plan B: Nudge or scrape at
him with your paw (often accompanied by soft whines).
If Plan B fails, we turn up the audio
with Plan C: Bark! Not just once – continuously! Woof Woof Woof
Woof Woof – you get the point.
Got his attention? Good. Raise your
eyebrows expectantly, open the eyes wide, paw at the floor, back away
a bit and shift your weight anxiously from side to side.
Don't lose eye contact!
Is he up and moving now, knows what he
has to do, ready to gratify your every wish? No? Must be a very
tough case. Those kind often try to put you off: “Shut up! What
do you want? I'm busy right now!”
This sort of behavior cannot be
tolerated. I mean, we're willing to meet these people more than
halfway, but they must understand that obedience is obligatory!
For these tough cases, you'll have to advance
to Plan D. Grab hold of a sleeve or pants' leg and tug. Tow him
along! Don't let go until you get to your destination! A little
growling during all this, just for effect, never hurts.
A few helpful Don'ts:
Don't give up hope
Don't go back to lie down on the
sofa at the first sign of resistance
Don't leave it to your human to
decide when you're going to do something. You are in charge, and
they need to know it!
Good luck to you in your job. I hope to hear soon that you've got your human under control in regard to time and that you're running a tighter schedule.
Ol' Redder, ODE (Old Dog of Experience)